lilies in bloom

free

2006-12-03T03:35:00.000-08:00

i have been thinking a lot lately about the people in my life that are there. or not. and the ones i love and the ones i don't.

there are people that you love because you have to. some would argue that you don't have to love anyone, but i disagree. you have to love your parents, your children, your family in general i guess. and then there are the people that you get to choose.

i just wanted you to know that i love you freely. i love you becuase i choose to love you.

done

2006-11-09T11:00:00.000-08:00

well, i've done it.

complete and done. i've finished and it's been done.

:)

love

2006-10-31T01:27:00.000-08:00

i find that the more i love the harder it is to love. i am in love with someone who i cannot have. the only other person who has been worthy of this distinction just got married 2 days ago and i am alone and lost.

i don't know what to do or even where to begin. i miss those gone - i forget those who are here.

- i need so much and want so little.

fall

2006-09-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

mostly, fall is my favorite season. it's brisk and beautiful and everything changes. some things do not change for the better; some things do. my job is draining. my life is exhausting and i have no time to do anything fun. i do have the weekend off tho. so that's a bonus. i'm totally stoked.

today it is cold and rainy. i have lost something very important to me. summer is gone and i'm all weird. maybe i'll like enjoy fall more tomorrow.

posting

2006-08-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

i've been working non-stop it seems. so i haven't had a lot of time to write things.

matt and i are technically "over" but since we're best friends, it's virtually impossible not to hang out and be together. it sucks. and i know it will get worse as the time goes on or when one of us decides we're going to start seeing someone else.

work is going well for the most part and i am going home in october for ethan's birthday. i'm totally stoked.

that's it for now. thanks for reading (all 3 of you!!! ;) )

time off

2006-07-27T16:44:00.000-07:00

i start my new job on monday in emeryville. 8am.

i feel like so many things are changing and i am powerless to stop them. i don't have any idea what to do or say. i feel like i need a vacation of just being alone lying around not talking to anyone or doing anything.

i am very tired and i can't seem to figure that out either.

*sigh* oh well.

it's over

2006-07-21T19:18:00.000-07:00

that's all. it's done and over.

a year and a half. gone.

life, love, and CHA - CHING

2006-07-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

i'm tired. constantly. but i'll be honest. i'm pretty happy these days. i got a promotion at work yesterday. full - on manager with all the perks (insurance, 2 weeks paid vaca, etc.) in emeryville. not too excited about that part, but *shrug* what are you gonna do?

matt and i are still plugging along, steadily. we'll always have our issues, but we love eachother and who knows. as he said the other day, "and just maybe one of us will teach that horse how to fly". he's right. maybe.

i've met some pretty cool people in the last few weeks and i'm trying to coax new friendships as well as nourish some old ones i've neglected.

*sigh* i think i'm going to take a nap today before work. it's going to be a long night.

new york state of mind

2006-05-30T12:19:00.000-07:00

upon returning from New York, i find that i miss it. 3 and a half days wasn't nearly enough time. i got to meet matt's family, which was cool. and i went to the empire state building where it began raining as i went up and promptly stopped when i came outside at the bottom. figures. oh well. it was a good time and i think it will lead to many other good times for me. :)

also, the food at the SAZ sucks. don't go there. it's in the village and it's "historic" and it sucks.

that is all.

caldecott

2006-04-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

i don't know if that's how you spell it or not, but i don't care....

who is this caldecott and why the hell did he make his tunnel so narrow and ridiculously small!?!?!?!

i hate morning traffic!!

competing with ghosts

2006-04-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

they hide in the shadows of your mind; your heart. resurfacing at the worst possible moments. you hide from them, only to turn around and embrace your pain. she, her, them. they. always there, lingering, remaining.

i can't compete. i am real and here and tangible. holding on to the hope. holding you while you fight as i can do nothing else. they are there and i am here. i want to be here and there; everywhere.

i can't compete with ghosts.

keys

2006-04-05T15:45:00.000-07:00

so, today i got keys. not to my new house. but to a different house. i got keys to his house. keys to both doors. maybe some of you don't realize how big this is. but it is. it's huge.

i'm so completely surprised. and happy.

trust is a good thing.

homeless pt.2

2006-03-07T10:28:00.000-08:00

so, i've noticed that it seems like i mostly only write when i'm upset about something. that seems odd to me. so, i'm going to try and change that, but not right now!!

i've got to move by apr 10. that's ok with me. i've got a whole weekend to move into my new house, but i don't have a truck or anyone strong enough to help. i'm looking for a mover i can trust that's not too expensive - or volunteers - ;) not to worry tho. my current roommmate wanted to move me out in one day. i told her i didn't think it was possible for me to move out and clean up in one day. she started complaining about the extra 2 days rent!!! can you believe that!!! she dropped the bomb on me that we had to move out - because of her!! and now she wants to rush me on moving out!! nope i said the 10th or 15th. not a day earlier. i have aquired a place as of the 8th and that's when it will be!!!

also, i posted something a few weeks ago (possibly months) about a certain person calling and always ruining my weekends. i just want to update those of you who care on this situation. IT IS STILL HAPPENING!!! i don't even know what to do with this. ARG!!! as charlie brown would say.

my anniversary is soon..... like a week and a half. crazy. i am shocked that we made it. but happy and pleasantly suprised.

tha's all - happy tuesday

homeless

2006-03-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

i'm going to be moving soon. hopefully into a house wth some cool seeming people. anyone got a truck i can borrow????

you never know

2006-02-17T16:46:00.000-08:00

forrest gump had it right. or i guess his mom did. you never know what you're going to get. in examining the last year of my life, i never thought i'd be where i am right now. honestly, i thought i'd most likely be dead. instead, i'm in a mostly healthy relationship, with my health on the upswing, my job is moving upward (instead of stagnating into nothingness) and i'm mostly happy.

valentine's day was, not so suprisingly, nice. matt took me for ohso yummie sushi, bought me exspensive chocolate and a silly little "bear holding a heart". no less than a few people asked me if i got a ring. no, i answer, of course not. he's not that kind of guy. i imagine that if i EVER get a ring, it will be on a random thursday or something, with a "so, whaddya think? should we do it?" but honestly, i don't expect to get one. i think i've done well to get this far.

i'm not sick anymore. that's the best news i could've gotten in 2006. if i can keep it up for a year. i'll be considered "healthy". well, that can't be too bad. i didn't believe i could do it. but i fought and i lived.

i don't HATE my job anymore. i've realized that it wasn't the job that was bugging me. it was the people. so once i realized that i couldn't do anything about the people, it became about the job. now i just do it. and i enjoy it again. somehow, in this exchange, i got noticed by a corporate man. he said, come see me when your ready. meaning, "thank you for ALL your hard work. and, when you get sick of being a server, i'm pretty sure i'll move you up the corporate ladder." i'm feeling ok about this. (thank you, honey, for making me see this)

and so, i'm a healthy woman in love, who has a job that only sucks as much as any other job and i'm happy. and now the rain begins. i hate the weather!!!

heart's day

2006-02-12T22:09:00.000-08:00

i've never been a big VALENTINE'S day person. i usually hate it. this year i am anticipating it with baited breath. i don't expect a big to-do as my birthday was less than a month ago, and our ANNIVERSARY (yep you heard right, folks, 11 down one to go) is only one month away. dinner on tuesday and lost on wednesday. going to be a matty filled week. oh well. i can't complain.

on another note. i am going to kick dana's arse for not sending my tabs in sooner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rushing

2006-01-28T21:05:00.000-08:00

i feel like an idiot. saturday is supposed to be the best day of the week. today = not. oh well. i just feel like if i hurried over, you would be glad to see me and want to hang out. but it lasts moments only. other things always seem to be a little more important. people further away are more interesting. maybe i'm just too available to you. maybe. if something happens, it will be your fault. if THIS thing happens, what will we do? what will you do?

i'm tired of rushing. always hurring to your side to kiss your ouchies. what about my hurts? you band-aid them well enough i guess. i love you.

good night.

i really don't like you.

2006-01-24T23:19:00.000-08:00

wow, i really don't like you. it didn't really occur to me to hate you, you are miniscule and insignificant to me and i don't care whether you live or die, but i REALLY don't like you. everytime i see you i want to vomit. you make me sick. i don't like that you have this kind of control over me, but whatever. i don't like your face, i don't like your voice and mostly i don't like the way you smell. you stink. maybe if you showered or did your laundry, it wouldn't be so bad, but you don't, so you smell bad. maybe i should tell someone i know all about the crappy stuff you never told him. nah, that'll just lower me. i don't need that kind of negative karma, but wow, i just don't like you. i dont dont dont. you suck. i'm tired of looking at your face everytime i turn around. get out of my life, get out of my head, and mostly, stay the fuck away from my stuff. you are a thief and a liar and i DON'T LIKE YOU.

*written in a moment of weakness and utter hatred of someone REALLY annoying.

birthday blues

2006-01-22T15:37:00.000-08:00

so, yesterday was my 29th birthday, and it couldn't have started out worse or ended better. first, i wanted to get breakfast, so we went to a "regular" spot (where we had our official first date) and waited about 30minutes for a table. then we waited 15 minutes for a waitress with attitude, then waited about another 45 minutes for my breakfast. i'm hypoglycemic. my bloodsugar was DANGEROUSLY low and i got a "little" upset as you can imagine. so, we left and went to go get my ONE serious birthday gift which was the new motorola razr fone. the only thing i really wanted. and the guy said i had to go someplace else to get it. so we went. then those guys said that i had to go to INDIANA to get it. so matt (my wonderful boyfriend) shelled out the 300$ for the fone at retail cost. we shopped for some new clothes for him and had a good time at the gap and banana republic. matt looks at his clock and belts out "OMG. WE'RE RUNNING LATE!!!" so we rushed back to the house to get ready for my "suprise birthday evening out". 6:15 our cab arrives (driving this cab is retard of the century, aka WORST CABBIE EVER), and procedes to sit in the middle of the street for about 3 minutes. matt asks "are we waiting for anything particular?" and then we start rolling. about 10 minutes into the ride, the aforementioned cabbie asks "do you mind if i stop for gas?" i was appalled. matt says "sure, if we need gas" then he doesn't get the gas. (weird) it takes us about 90 minutes to get into the city and our fare is 42$. about 10$ more than what we are used to paying , but whatever - for time and space i have left out a LOT of the annoying little things about this cabbie, but you get the picture. after this EVERYTHING is nice and wonderful. we had drinks and appitizers at cafe monoco followed by the theatre "sexual perversity in chicago" (funny show mediocre acting and weird seats) and dinner at the waterfront. beautiful scenery and VIP status at dinner. we were waited on hand and foot. i ate about 3lbs of food and then came home and passed out. it was WONDERFUL. the evening definately made up for the morning. and 29 is looking alright for now.

late night lovin FTW

2006-01-09T10:50:00.000-08:00

nothing compares to waking up in the middle of the night to someone lovingly caressing your thighs and then the beautiful lovemaking that follows.

that's all. i love suprise sex. it is the best.

HAPPYNEWYEAR

2006-01-08T01:00:00.000-08:00

my birthday is in 2 weeks and i will be 29... i still don't know how i feel about this. weird. old. *shrug* it's a very strange feeling. especially with the knowledge that 30 is every so much more near. i don't feel that old and it's unnerving. i've got celebration on the brain but not really in the mood for it. they say it's all down hill after about 25. quarter-life crisis and what not, but 28 was a pretty good year. cancer aside, i made a lot of new friends and met a great boy who only slightly annoys me about once a week. ;)

all in all it's been a pretty good year. Unfortunately, everyone tells me that 29 is rough. not quite 30, so you're still in your 20's but just barely and so it sucks and also because you're at the end of your 20's it's like life is ending. but i don't really feel that. i still haven't figured it out.

any advice?

hate is wrong, m'kay

2006-01-01T14:24:00.000-08:00

how many times have i heard someone say you shouldn't hate...? and who are these people telling me how i should or shouldn't feel? yes, hate is not nice - i find it wrong and i honestly don't hate that many people. i honestly feel that in order to hate, you must first love that person. most of the people i allegedly hate, i don't like, let alone love, and do not understand by any stretch of the imagination, ergo, no hate.

i HATE my father. he was horrible to me as a child and i haven't figured out how to forgive that sin. but i do not hate little girls who are simply put, bad people and who apparently don't know how to become good people. i will be damned if not every single fucking weekend is not interrupted by some little "poor me" calls with her so called problems ; and then i get bitched at for not being "strong enough" fuck that shit. i am super strong and i am super pissed the fuck off right now. everything i do is for my own strength or for the strength that i can lend out to those i ACTUALLY love.

and i do NOT love 'poor pitiful pearls' who have zero self confidence and zero self esteem and cannot leave my life the fuck alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*pant pant pant* i feel much better now. thanks for listening

bah humbug, sort of

2005-12-27T14:01:00.000-08:00

christmas came and went with very little fanfare. i got some stuff - i did some stuff - and i got to hang out with my kid (a LOT) .

nothing tragic, nothing even really bad (except my crummy brother pro'lly gave me the bird flu) happened. it was the most uneventful trip home ever.

guess one should count one's blessings and take a nap.

and it's great to be home.

what to do

2005-12-09T16:53:00.000-08:00

it's been a friday to remember... bone marrow seeping from my back - my car in the shop until tomorrow morning at least and he is seeing HER tomorrow (and i get ditched for the weekend). i suppose all of these things are ok. bone marrow that has seeped is clean and free of any cancer cells for now at least (check one). my car is being fixed finally (the breaks were making some horrible scraping sound). and i trust him, (mostly).

i just feel horribly disconnected and far away from everything. i'm going home to see family and friends soon (the 22nd - the 27) and i'm both looking forward to and dreading the event.

i was supposed to have brunch with a good friend this weekend, but i haven't heard from him today and so now i guess not. i was also going to do some christmas shopping but with my car in the shop, who knows. what a crapload.

i need to cheer up. what to do what to do?

swimming in the dark

2005-11-30T13:58:00.000-08:00

you know how when you're happy, even if it's cloudy or raining out, you feel like it's sunny? well, i suppose the inverse is also true. it's the first sunny day in a week and i feel as if the rain will never stop. i feel consumed by darkness and sad - it's not one of my usual malaise funky moods either. anyone who knows me will know what i mean - it's as if someone turned out the lights.

tomorrow is my a friend's birthday - she'll be 21. i hope to be in a better mood so that i can celebrate with her.

i just want the ache to stop - it's been about a week now. at first i thought it was the weather, but as i said, it's nice out today and it seems to have gotten worse. i'm sure it's just holiday whatever that i have been seeming to get every year for the past few christmases. i get blue just before thanksgiving and stay that way until after new year. sometime around my birthday.

i think i know what i need to do - now to get the balls to do it.

GOBBLE GOBBLE

2005-11-28T13:34:00.000-08:00

thanksgiving went off without any bangs, whistles, or fanfare. it was by and large the worst thanksgiving of my life. i had a good time with my good friend, delayne's, family, but after a few hours of long haired kitty friends, my allergies and asthma were unable to hold themselves back any longer, so i politely excused myself. maybe not politely enough. but who knows. after coming home to my wonderful "companion" who had eaten a FROZEN chicken pot pie - i immediately passed out on the sofa and slept for hours. when i woke up there was nothing on tv, and everything that we had tivo'ed had already been watched. we did absolutely nothing all day. friday we went to the movies and did a little shopping - more fun than thursday, but exhausting to be driving around in BLACK FRIDAY traffic. saturday i left for a few hours to do some shopping and bought myself a new jacket which is something not necessarily needed, but desperately desired. and then on sunday - i didn't even leave the house. not once all freaking day.

oh well, maybe next year.

death bed

2005-11-20T23:29:00.000-08:00

i passed out at work on tuesday evening. i don't know why and the people in the emergency room at Mt. Diablo John Muir hospital couldn't tell me either. my assumption is that my body just said "screw you guys, i'm goin home". i was exhausted and coming down with something rather unpleasant. ultimately, i'm fine. i am in MUCH better health than i was 6 months ago and that is a christmas bonus i wasn't expecting. i spent the rest of the week (mostly) in bed and recovering. friday night i went out with matt and some other friends and blew a gasket; mostly brought on by my own shortsightedness and insecurities. i cannot blame anyone but myself. so, of course, i was under the weather AGAIN saturday. today my exhaustion has returned and i will be going to bed NOW. but i felt that i should thank the friends who came to my rescue while i was feeling that i was "in my deathbed". so MATT AND ANDREA, thank you for sitting by my bedside while i was injected with morphine and acting like a retard and coughing up my lungs. you guys rule.

far far away

2005-11-09T12:25:00.000-08:00

it's wednesday and miss my baby, but he's not such a baby anymore. his birthday past and he's 7. he's almost as tall as i am. not too much longer now.

2500 miles is far in distance but no place is too far for me to reach out and love him. i wonder if he will ever know how much i love him and how much he means to me. does any child know their parents true depth of love for them? probably not. i know i am still amazed when my parents go beyond my expectations.

i feel like i am running out of ways to show him how much i love and adore him. i have done everything i can think of, but be sure he will know.

happy happy birthday

2005-11-03T00:26:00.000-08:00

i just wanted the world to know that i love someone who was born today; 33 years ago, but still today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MATT.

lv u

sometimes friends aren't your friends

2005-10-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

there are some people who no matter what you do and no matter how much you try and be nice they just are NOT your friend.

you go out of your way; you smile when you want to vomit and you pick them up when they are down - then out of nowhere they stab you in the face - not even in the back - right in the face! in front of you where they know you will see and hear and know. spit on the face of friendship.

whatever; strike three you're out

time for the weekend

2005-10-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

as i broach the weekend i am filled with wonder at the speed of time that has passed. it seems that christmas was just here and i find it's time to start shopping again; it feels true that as i get older time passes so much more quickly.

the weeks fly by; the days are shorter; months pass and then the year is gone. i feel old. i miss my youth as i'm sure all people approaching 30 do and all people who age do. laughs are harder to come by, sleep is never long enough, and i feel like there is never enough time to do the things i want to do. even when i'm not doing anything at all i feel hurried. "i must finish this now" "wow i'm running late" "i don't have time to do that today; it will wait till tomorrow"

tomorrow - the day after today. i know some late teen - early 20ish people. they do not feel the rush of hurrying to do things before they die. they are invincible. tomorrow will never come for them until they are older; then they will feel the crushing blows of time passing right before their eyes.

sometimes i crave that ease of living. but then i remember the crazy confusion of youngness and honestly i am glad for my life and experiences. i am glad to be the age that i am and i am glad for the friends i have made and the mistakes i've made. life is in the living. and eventually the dying. mistakes don't always seem like mistakes these days and hindsight is always 20/20, right? i am who i am and for what seems like the first time in my life i really like myself. i know i have a lot left to do and i think it's time to get on it!

name verification

2005-10-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

this is a test to see if the display name is changed

ventilation

2005-10-19T13:57:00.000-07:00

well, since all of my friends seem to have one of these things, i guess the time has come for me to jump on the blog bandwagon.

i feel like it will also be a good place to vent out some of the frustration i'm feeling from time to time about life-work-friends-NON-friends, etc.

right now- work sucks, but my health is improving so i guess there might just be a balance to the world sometimes. i have a love; and as much as i hate to admit it.... he makes it better; a lot better. there was a time when i never would have admitted that i needed anyone, let alone a man, but i will now; if not for his sake, for my own - an admission of needing others to help us along marks maturity i think. maybe i'm wrong, but i never thought i "needed" and now that i realize i do, things feel a little better. and the sun is shining.

finally; i miss my son. there's nothing to be done about it right now, but it's true. i miss him like i never knew i could miss anything or anyone. the love and pain coincide to bring joy and tears whenever i think of his smiling face. he is truly the love of my life.